Active Listening Skills

Active listening is a way of listening and responding that focuses attention on the speaker and helps improves mutual understanding. When people talk with one another, they don’t always listen attentively. When people are engaged in a conflict, they are often busy formulating a response to what is being said. They assume that they know what is going to be said, so rather than paying attention, they focus on how they will respond to win their point.

An important awareness for people involved in conflict is an appreciation that problem-solving can’t begin until all parties feel that they have been heard and understood. What has happened? How have they been affected? What do they need? In order to answer these questions it is necessary to put aside ones own concerns, concentrate attention on the person speaking, and really be interested in listening to what he or she has to say. If both parties can do this, the chances of being able to develop a solution to a mutual problem becomes much greater.

• The next time someone comes to you with a concern, begin your part of the conversation by asking that person some introductory questions to help them tell their story. For example:

  • Tell me what happened from your perspective?
  • How have you been affected?
  • How do you see this situation?

• While the other person is talking use these good listening behaviors:

  • Face the speaker directly
  • Do not interrupt
  • Pay attention to the speaker’s non verbal communication
  • Pay attention to your own non verbal communication

• When the other person has finished summarize, in your own words, what you have heard the other party say. For example:

  • I hear you saying…Is that right?
  • Let me review what I’ve heard you say. Please correct me if I leave anything out.
  • So far I have heard you say this…Is that right? Have I missed anything?

  If you haven’t gotten it quite right the speaker will give you immediate feedback.

• Get more information about the other person’s perspective by drawing them out with clarifying questions. Avoid rhetorical questions that indicate you have already reached a conclusion. Also be cautious of the word “why”. It most often sounds accusatory or judgmental. Try the following examples instead:

  • Could you tell me more about.?
  • What bothers you most about this situation?
  • What led you to that conclusion?

• Validate the other person’s point of view. You can show that you understand a person’s point of view without agreeing with them. Try to name the party’s feelings without judgment and rephrase in neutral terms. For example:

  • I hear that you are very frustrated (aggravated, disturbed, annoyed, bothered, irritated, etc.) with (name). Is that right?
  • I understand that you feel __________. Is that right?
  • I am interested in hearing more about this situation from your perspective.

• Active listening has several benefits.

  • It forces people to listen attentively to others.
  • It avoids misunderstandings, as people have to confirm that they really understand what another person has said.
  • It tends to open people up, to get them to say more.

Active listening is a skill, and like all skills, takes practice to develop. The next time you are involved in a conflict, try active listening and see if it doesn’t help.

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